


The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

by dopamine_darling



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Character Death, Clint Barton Needs a Hug, Gen, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Wakes & Funerals, natasha's funeral
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 16:39:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19360723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dopamine_darling/pseuds/dopamine_darling
Summary: Clint Barton's sole purpose in life is to make sure Natasha gets everything she deserves for making the ultimate sacrifice.So he throws himself into it like a good soldier.Like a good friend.





	The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

**Author's Note:**

> I'm absolutely furious Natasha didn't get a funeral. I don't exactly disagree with her death because we all know someone needed to die and her character, as much as I hate to say it, was probably best suited to make the sacrifice play. 
> 
> However, it doesn't mean that we can all just go off and forget about it because she deserves to be remembered by her family and the fandom.
> 
> So, I present to you a thicc amount of angst. 
> 
> As always, if you see typos then go ahead and point them out for me, I'm unbeta-ed and struggling :)

Agents Natasha Romanov and Clint Barton discuss death far too often for any sane person to deem it remotely healthy. Dying together, dying alone, quiet deaths after a long life of peace, the more likely deaths caused by several explosions and a fire or deadly gunshot wounds. Short and swift, long and bloody. Painful, painless, gentle, brutal.

 

It comes with the job description, really. Besides their status as assassins and SHIELD agents who both frequently throw themselves into life-threatening missions, they're also Avengers. Protectors of the planet, a group of remarkable people fighting battles ordinary people can't. 

 

A group dedicated to risking everything and more for life on Earth.

 

So they debate over funerals, flowers, types of coffins and linings. They joke about Viking funerals after they meet Thor, pushing the other's body out into the lake on a boat and setting fire to the flimsy wooden canoe with a single burning arrow at sunrise. Watching the ship sink into the water as it goes up in smoke, burning to ashes.

 

"Bury me in satin," she says once, on a stakeout. They're doing the usual methodical preparations, sliding weapons into unobserved places, readying themselves to enter the mansion of a man who they barely know, but will be dead by the night's end. Clint didn't know why at the time, and honestly still doesn't. Satin was a nice material, maybe, but Nat wasn't one for 'nice materials'. Trained assassins don't wear satin when kicking ass, this he knows. Unless your mission happens to take place at a cocktail party.

 

Still, he remembers it well. He tells her to bury him with his bow and arrows, of course.  He also tells her to bury him naked with his fingers raised in a final ‘salute’. Just as a joke, of course. But Nat throws a grapefruit at him the one time he says this, and grapefruits hurt when thrown well, so he doesn’t say it again.

 

Surprisingly, they haven't discussed what to do in the absence of a body. Shocking, really. Pretty fucking stupid of them to assume. The chances of an assassin becoming compromised and somehow still having their body recovered are infinitesimally small. And yet, Hawkeye and Black Widow both make the assumption that they will be afforded this one luxury.

 

Through the long years of pain, suffering, defeat, anguish, they both choose to make the assumption that they will be allowed the dignity of a body and a funeral. It's too much to think otherwise. 

 

Poison, they plan for. Sharp knives, fatal gunshots, fires, explosions, scarring, dismemberment. All is prepared to meet those circumstances. 

 

But what to do now? What to do, with Natasha’s body stuck in the past, at the bottom of a chasm on an alien planet, lying limbs spread, eyes closed. Almost peaceful, without the sharp bend in her neck and the pool of blood.

 

What to do indeed.

 

Clint worries about this for a long time, simply because he can’t get it wrong.

 

He doesn’t want to fuck up the one thing that was, and would always be certain of them both.

 

She deserves more. She deserves  _so_ much more. 

 

So Clint pushes himself through the most painful memories. Searches for throwaway remarks, requests, anything. Whatever he thinks of, he writes down in a journal, keeping it close to him at all times as it fills with the scribbles of a madman.

 

He cries, once. Only once, because that is what they promised to each other.

 

“No crying. Don’t be a sissy. Neither of us will be happy if one’s dead and the other’s sobbing like a pathetic whiner.”

 

Fucking _hell._

 

He wouldn’t have ever agreed if he knew how much it would cost, how much it would hurt.

 

He wouldn’t have agreed if he knew, back then, she’d be the one dying.

 

///

 

The morning of the funeral, Clint tries to not think about how conspicuous Tony’s absence is in the small crowd. He fails.

 

Everything is set up as a quiet gathering. As much as she tried to hide it, Natasha was always a family person, and combined with her secretive nature, Clint decides it’s best to only have family. People who are close to them, people she’d known, maybe liked.

 

Thor, Bruce, and Cap are there, obviously. Standing besides him quietly, thankfully not offering words of reassurance. Damn those “there, there”s and “it’s going to be okay”s. Fucking hell, his best friend’s dead, Clint’s damn sure he can say that this isn’t anywhere remotely close to _okay_. A few SHIELD agents are scattered around the group, Hill and Fury, prominently, are invited for courtesy’s sake. He wishes fo Coulson, the first time he’s done so in a while. Pepper Potts is invited as well, after remembering stories of their bonding during Nat’s time undercover at Stark Industries. She brings with her Happy Hogan and Morgan, at Clint’s request. Nat has-had- a soft spot for children, being the godmother of his own, and so it’s only right Morgan comes. He discusses it with Pepper and she agrees to ask Morgan if she’d like to come.

 

He’s glad she’s asking, not telling. The kid’s been to one funeral too many already, and he wishes he could shield her from more. But she’s brave, just like her father, and demands to come, so Pepper brings her.

 

///

 

The funeral is short, a small ceremonial affair and nothing more. Natasha wasn’t the type to ever want a speech about her life, long drawn out conversations and slideshows and well wishes and prayers. And while he has stories to tell, more than anyone there with him, it’s safe to say that she wouldn’t want him spreading the information even in her death. So instead, they gather the things that they have left to remember her with. 

 

It isn’t much. It’s barely anything.

 

The majority of her possessions were destroyed in the battle, and her body is impossible to recover, crushingly so. They have a picture from Clint’s wallet, stuffed in the secret pocket he has containing pictures of those dear to him. His family and all the Avengers are in there. They also have one of her knives, one she must have given to Tony, long ago. It is recovered from his body, and this brings him a slight sense of unease, but he pushes through it because one photograph isn’t enough.

 

He wants to scream at the unfairness, break and destroy and rage at the lack of things they have to remember her by, the lack of a body to hold just for that selfish desire called ‘closure’. And what is closure, really, because it’s impossible to just slam the door on his emotions shut, ridiculous to claim that he can just stop the hurting, stop wanting revenge, stop the pain. Take back the sacrifice, trade places, save his best friend.

 

And yet Clint also craves the release that tears might bring him, wants to sob at her absence, for her loss, for her separation by time from him and the team. He loves her, everyone knows this. As much as they love her too, no one can claim they care more, no one can claim that they are hurting more in her absence than Clint.  They were perfect together, two broken pieces held tight and close by their shared pain and fears, past experiences, their willingness to keep going. He’s only good with her, he’s only right with her.

 

///

 

They throw her items in a metal box at sunset. Row into the middle of the lake by Tony’s home, because Clint doesn’t know where else to go and the lake’s as good a place as any. She’s never had any home besides the team, and the team’s always moving. It’s good that Pepper will be with her, good that she’ll be at peace.

 

He drops the box into the water himself. No ceremonial flaming arrows, no fuss. It’s the right decision, he knows it. As much as Clint wants more to remember her by, it’s the right choice. They won’t forget, can’t ever forget her, but it ’s for the best. To move on. To close the book and slide it into place on his shelf of memories.

 

As they row back to shore, Thor helps him out of the boat, places a hand on his shoulder. Banner’s there too, and Cap.

 

They’re here with him, and it’s not enough but at the same time it’s alright.

 

He allows himself to relax with their support as the sun sets beyond the mountains and trees, sinks in a pool of glowing red and orange. It’s beautiful here, he realizes. And suddenly he’s all too glad that this is where Natasha will rest, that this is where he will visit when he needs her, where he will remember her.

 

They set off back to Pepper’s house up the shore-bank, a group united under one common love.

 

It’s time to let go now.

 

But never to forget.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. If anyone's looking to become a beta reader, hit me up in the comments I'd love to talk to y'all <3


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